The Ultimate Diet

There have been all kinds of different diet plans floating around for the last several decades, Atkins, Paleolithic, Raw Food, Vegetarian, 3-hour, 4-hour, South Beach, Manhattan … you name it. While they all have there proponents and detractors, I don't think any of them have gone far enough. Sure, they all have there rules and restrictions, but they're just mamby pamby when it comes to the diet I discovered yesterday. If you really want to lose weight, look to those individuals who have really gone and lost it: Zombies.

Yes, that's right. Just look at them! They're husks of their former selves. Each one looks just as thin and emaciated as an up and coming runway model. Isn't that the look that television has been showing us is so important to have for years, now? When has TV ever lied to us?

It's the perfect diet, combing the paleolithic diet with the raw foods diet. Zombies limit themselves to one food and one food only: fresh human brains. Why brains? Have you ever tried to get a fresh human brain? It's hard. You've got to work for it. First, you'll burn tons of calories and get a great cardio workout chasing those victims down. Don't get me started on how hard it is to dodge shotgun blasts, either.

Once you've caught the food, it's not like it just lays down and lets you eat it. Oh no. You've got a fight on your hands. It's built in strength training! If you do manage to kill, without it escaping and starting that whole “chase thing” over again, you've got to crack the skull open. Fortunately, a few sharp thwacks against the ground will do it. Once the skull is cracked open, slurping up the brains is the reward you get for all your hard labor. Getting rewarded is important if you're going train yourself to stick to any diet.

So, my friend, if you really want to lose weight, try combining your exercise with your supper. Try the zombie diet. There's nothing quite like the fresh hunt, kill, and slurp to get your juices flowing.

Just watch out for shotguns.

Editors note: If you find the zombie diet too difficult for you, you can ease yourself into it by trying cannibalism, first.

Image credit, Michal Zacharzewski