- Not getting enough to eat – aka the starvation diet
- Not enough variation – liquid diets
- Cost too much – aka high protein (all meat) diets
- Don't work for the rest of the family – aka Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers
Now we have a new diet, for you. Noticing that most two year old children are fit and trim, as well as full of energy, some researchers have come up the Toddler diet. As with all diets, please consult your doctor before beginning this one.
Here is a sample, four day, menu:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then pour the rest on the floor).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat soda pop.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of flavored lip gloss and a handful of dog kibble, any brand. One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring sucker back inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: One uncooked bean, which should be stuck up your left nostril. Pour grape punch over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub some in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff the other pancake in glass with remaining milk. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites of crust onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up while making sounds like a kitty cat.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, and red punch. Try to laugh hard enough to spew some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor) and an olive. Spit olive on floor after chewing. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog.You will either lose weight, kill yourself, of quit before the fifth day.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find sucker from previous day and finish eating it.
Dinner: Put spaghetti into a glass of chocolate milk, after drinking half the milk. You may now eat the spaghetti. Leave meatballs on plate. Steal a piece of candy from you mom's dresser for dessert.
Photo by the Horton Group