Canned Soup: The Real Story

As a foodie I would never admit to ever making canned soup. That would be a blasphemous affair just short of the sort of things you have to confess to your Bishop to fully repent of. Fortunately, the Atonement makes any times I may have accidentally opened up a soup can and heated up the contents, with the intent to consume, something I don’t have to admit to.

According to Doctrine and Covenants, Section 58:42, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.” If the Lord isn’t going to remember them, I’m certainly not going to bring them up.

With that in mind, I want to reveal to you the real directions for making canned soup. These have been gleaned from countless experiences doing so. By other people. Don’t ask is they were my experiences. Then I’d have to repent for lying.

Directions:

1. Laugh at the directions on the can. Openly mock those involving a stove while merely ignoring those describing the microwave.
2. Open the can by either using a can opener or pulling sharply up on the pull tab. If using a pull tab, use colorful language as the pull tab breaks before the lid comes off. Attempt to pull the lid off using a multitude of inappropriate kitchen tools before giving up and just grabbing the darned thing
3. Immediately slice open thumb on lid. Curse more while cleaning and bandaging the wound. Ignore the blood in the soup. Throw the lid forcibly into the garbage can to punish it for what it’s done.
4. Dump the contents of the can into a microwave safe (meh) bowl. Loose appetite while looking at the congealed mess that bears little to no resemblance to soup. Add water, as desired, to thin the mess down. Never use more than half of the recommended amount.
5. Microwave on high until it reaches the temperature of molten lava and burns to the sides of the bowl.
6. Remove from the microwave and eat directly from the bowl, trying to avoid burning yourself until it cools, but failing.
7. Ignore the mess left in the microwave from the exploding soup and let someone else clean it up.

Food Joke Friday - Hotel Breakfast

A man orders breakfast in the hotel he’s staying at and calls over the waiter.

"This morning I’d like two boiled eggs, one so undercooked that the whites are runny, the other so overcooked it's turned to rubber. Also, I’d like some grilled bacon that’s been left out overnight and gone cold, horribly burnt toast with butter straight from the freezer that’s impossible to spread, and a glass of orange juice from concentrate that’s been watered down so you can barely tell it’s orange.”

"That's quite a strange order sir," the waiter says. "It might be difficult to fill."

"Really?” the guest replies. “I don't understand. That's exactly what I got here yesterday when I ordered two boiled eggs with bacon, toast, and orange juice."

Food Joke Friday - Ordering Soft Drinks

A girl walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter, “How much is a soft drink?”

“One dollar,” the waiter replies.

“How much is a refill?” the girls asks.

“The first one is free,” the waiter says.

“Oh, good,” the girls says. “I’d like a refill, please.”

Food Joke Friday – Stressful Dieter

Those of us watching our weight, and hoping that we aren't just watching it grow, may have a common interruption to our diet plan: stress. Usually, stress comes from work, children, or spouses, but there are other known causes. In any case, I've decided to pull back the curtain and reveal the typical stressed out dieter's daily meal plan.

Breakfast
3/4 cup cooked oatmeal with cinnamon and 1 tsp Stevia based sweetener
1/2 grapefruit
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch
4 oz., lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup raw green lettuce salad
1 teaspoon “light” vinaigrette dressing
1 cup herbal tea, Stevia sweetener optional
1 Oreo cookie

Then STRESS happens.

Mid-Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Oreos in the package
1 pint of Chocolate Cookie Dough ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
2 cans diet soda

Dinner
1 large loaf buttery garlic bread
2 liters diet cola
1 large supreme pizza
3 candy bars

Late Evening Snack(s)
1 pint of Rocky Road ice cream
1 complete Sarah Lee Frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from the freezer
1 bag potato chips
1 tub sour cream based Ranch dip
1 can diet soda
1 serving of guilt topped with a resolution to do better tomorrow.

Rinse and repeat.

The Ultimate Diet

There have been all kinds of different diet plans floating around for the last several decades, Atkins, Paleolithic, Raw Food, Vegetarian, 3-hour, 4-hour, South Beach, Manhattan … you name it. While they all have there proponents and detractors, I don't think any of them have gone far enough. Sure, they all have there rules and restrictions, but they're just mamby pamby when it comes to the diet I discovered yesterday. If you really want to lose weight, look to those individuals who have really gone and lost it: Zombies.

Yes, that's right. Just look at them! They're husks of their former selves. Each one looks just as thin and emaciated as an up and coming runway model. Isn't that the look that television has been showing us is so important to have for years, now? When has TV ever lied to us?

It's the perfect diet, combing the paleolithic diet with the raw foods diet. Zombies limit themselves to one food and one food only: fresh human brains. Why brains? Have you ever tried to get a fresh human brain? It's hard. You've got to work for it. First, you'll burn tons of calories and get a great cardio workout chasing those victims down. Don't get me started on how hard it is to dodge shotgun blasts, either.

Once you've caught the food, it's not like it just lays down and lets you eat it. Oh no. You've got a fight on your hands. It's built in strength training! If you do manage to kill, without it escaping and starting that whole “chase thing” over again, you've got to crack the skull open. Fortunately, a few sharp thwacks against the ground will do it. Once the skull is cracked open, slurping up the brains is the reward you get for all your hard labor. Getting rewarded is important if you're going train yourself to stick to any diet.

So, my friend, if you really want to lose weight, try combining your exercise with your supper. Try the zombie diet. There's nothing quite like the fresh hunt, kill, and slurp to get your juices flowing.

Just watch out for shotguns.

Editors note: If you find the zombie diet too difficult for you, you can ease yourself into it by trying cannibalism, first.

Image credit, Michal Zacharzewski

Food Joke Friday - Chocolate Ice Cream

A man approaches an ice cream truck and says, "I'd like three scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The woman behind the counter replies, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continues, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the woman says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Frustrated, the woman asked, "Sir, will you please spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the woman asks, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, looks confused and replies, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"Yes sir. That's what I've been trying to tell you."

Photo credit: Larisa Valenzuela

Food Joke Friday - Gummi Bear Diet

According to a recent article, nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right: colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

I decided to eat a plate of gummi bears. Who knew eating right could be so easy?

Photo credit: Shannah Pace

Food Joke Friday - Duck and Friends

An American tourist in China decides to have lunch in a restaurant where the specialty is duck. The waiter explains each dish as it is brought to the table.

"This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck ..." and so on.

Then came the dish the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence.

"Well?" he finally asked, "What's this?"

The waiter replied, "This is a friend of the duck."

Photo credit: Yosep Sugiarto

The Naked Diet

"A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much."

-- Frank Varano

Photo credit: Laura Nubuck

Food Joke Friday - Chocolate Marijuana

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana does.

The researchers also discovered more similarities between them, but can't remember what they are.

Have you got the munchies?

Photo by Gerhard Taatgen jr.

The Power of Zucchini

Food Joke Friday is being temporarily interrupted by this not-so-breaking news story. A Huson Montana woman has discovered the true power of zucchini. Not only can it be used in various culinary creations, or given away as fellowshipping, it makes for pretty powerful bear repellent.

From the Missoulian:

A woman in the Huson area warded off a charging black bear with a garden fresh zucchini early Thursday after the 200-pound bruin attacked her dog and swiped at the woman's leg.

… The woman was clutching the door jamb and trying to keep the bear out of her house when she reached inside and grabbed the only object on the counter - an 18-inch zucchini that she harvested from her garden.
She threw the vegetable at the bear's head and the animal retreated, running back up the the hill and into the darkness.

And so, what could have been a grisly scene of nature gone wild was turned into a triumph of woman-kind over great adversity, due to tenacity and the power of the mighty zucchini!

I really wish I could make this stuff up.

Food Joke Friday - Toddler Diet

There are many, many diets on the market, and all have potential concerns. Your diet, for example, may cause, or even celebrate, the following

• Not getting enough to eat – aka the starvation diet
• Not enough variation – liquid diets
• Cost too much – aka high protein (all meat) diets
• Don't work for the rest of the family – aka Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers

Now we have a new diet, for you. Noticing that most two year old children are fit and trim, as well as full of energy, some researchers have come up the Toddler diet.  As with all diets, please consult your doctor before beginning this one.

Here is a sample, four day, menu:

Day One

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then pour the rest on the floor).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat soda pop.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of flavored lip gloss and a handful of dog kibble, any brand. One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring sucker back inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: One uncooked bean, which should be stuck up your left nostril. Pour grape punch over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

Day Three

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub some in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff the other pancake in glass with remaining milk. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites of crust onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up while making sounds like a kitty cat.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, and red punch. Try to laugh hard enough to spew some punch through your nose, if possible.

Final Day

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor) and an olive. Spit olive on floor after chewing. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find sucker from previous day and finish eating it.

Dinner: Put spaghetti into a glass of chocolate milk, after drinking half the milk. You may now eat the spaghetti. Leave meatballs on plate. Steal a piece of candy from you mom's dresser for dessert.

You will either lose weight, kill yourself, of quit before the fifth day.

Photo by the Horton Group

Food Joke Friday - Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Photo by Asif Akbar

Food Joke Friday - Pandas Not Served

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating, the waiter brings him the bill. The panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts at him, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter! You didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Ten Diet Rules for the Rest of Us

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medical purposes never count. Examples include hot chocolate, toast, chicken soup and chocolate cake.
5. If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.
6. Movie related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Reese's Pieces, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls, do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking them causes the fat to leak out.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples include peanut butter on a knife, while making a sandwich, and ice cream or chocolate sauce on a spoon, while making a sundae.
9. Foods having the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; shiitake mushrooms and chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream and , frozen pie.

Easiest Pizza Recipe, Ever

This is the easiest way I know of to enjoy pizza at home. It's so easy, in fact, that it's perfect for those times when you don't have the time or energy to cook.



Equipment Needed
1 telephone
1 telephone book (yellow pages)
1 credit/debit card with money in the account.

Ingredients
Favorite pizza drink (I recommend root beer.)

Directions
Look up “Pizza” in the yellow pages. You might find it as a sub-section under “Restaurants.” Look for closest pizza place that delivers.

Using the telephone, carefully dial the numbers listed in the in the ad. When someone answers, speak clearly, requesting whatever toppings seem appropriate. When the time comes, the person you are speaking to may ask you for your credit card number. It is okay to give it to them. Make sure to give this person the correct address of your home, or you will not get the pizza.

Pour yourself some of your favorite pizza related drink and wait for the delivery driver. When you sign the receipt, please add an appropriate tip for the driver. Transfer to serving plates if desired, or just eat it out of the box using your hands.

The number of servings are variable based on the size of the pizza.

Enjoy!

Photo by  Rob Owen-Wahl

Food Joke Friday - Taste the Soup

Max goes into his favorite restaurant where the waiter immediately brings him a bowl of tomato soup. The customer signals the waiter to come back.

"Taste the soup, please." he says.

"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.

"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.

"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything wrong with the soup."

"Taste the soup!"

"What's wrong, too much salt? Not enough salt?"

"Taste the soup!"

"What, you want more croutons?"

"TASTE THE SOUP!"

The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?"

"A-HA!" exclaims Max.

Photo by Christoph Kurtzmann

Food Joke Friday - God is Watching

The children were lined up for a special Primary celebration at church. At the head of the lunch table was a large pile of apples. The Primary teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Photo by Bianca de Blok

Food Joke Friday - World's Largest McDonalds

Driving through Oklahoma, the vacationing couple I went out of their way to stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.

They were less than thrilled when an employee addressed everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."

Food Joke Friday - Two Muffins

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, is it hot in here."


The other screams, "Ahhhh! A talking muffin!"