Canned Soup: The Real Story

As a foodie I would never admit to ever making canned soup. That would be a blasphemous affair just short of the sort of things you have to confess to your Bishop to fully repent of. Fortunately, the Atonement makes any times I may have accidentally opened up a soup can and heated up the contents, with the intent to consume, something I don’t have to admit to.

According to Doctrine and Covenants, Section 58:42, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.” If the Lord isn’t going to remember them, I’m certainly not going to bring them up.

With that in mind, I want to reveal to you the real directions for making canned soup. These have been gleaned from countless experiences doing so. By other people. Don’t ask is they were my experiences. Then I’d have to repent for lying.

Directions:

1. Laugh at the directions on the can. Openly mock those involving a stove while merely ignoring those describing the microwave.
2. Open the can by either using a can opener or pulling sharply up on the pull tab. If using a pull tab, use colorful language as the pull tab breaks before the lid comes off. Attempt to pull the lid off using a multitude of inappropriate kitchen tools before giving up and just grabbing the darned thing
3. Immediately slice open thumb on lid. Curse more while cleaning and bandaging the wound. Ignore the blood in the soup. Throw the lid forcibly into the garbage can to punish it for what it’s done.
4. Dump the contents of the can into a microwave safe (meh) bowl. Loose appetite while looking at the congealed mess that bears little to no resemblance to soup. Add water, as desired, to thin the mess down. Never use more than half of the recommended amount.
5. Microwave on high until it reaches the temperature of molten lava and burns to the sides of the bowl.
6. Remove from the microwave and eat directly from the bowl, trying to avoid burning yourself until it cools, but failing.
7. Ignore the mess left in the microwave from the exploding soup and let someone else clean it up.